Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is
guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is
advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you
folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend,
Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with
the statue of naked people out front.
Well you’ll all recall last time when the entire City of
Portland Bomb Squad along with a couple of drug sniffing dogs
became lost inside of the vast interior of the Paulie Family
Tour Bus. All search efforts were called off after a search
team, which included a dozen or so Eagle Scouts; an entire
company of Oregon National Guardsmen; and two rescue
helicopters also went missing inside the bus.
Accusations by both the Mayor of Portland, Tom Potter; and
Oregon Governor, Ted Kulongoski; of The Paulie Family
harboring the Bermuda Triangle inside their tour bus have
once again put The Paulie Family in the public spotlight.
Undaunted, The Paulie Family has once again been hard at work
in the recording studio. Speaking of which, let’s take a
look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. All My Urine by The Paulie Family
2. Let My Log Open The Door by Excrete Townsend
3. We Still Stink by INSTYNC
4. Yellow River by Pistie
5. Gastrointestinal Overbelch by Stink Floyd
6. Hold Back The Water by Logman-Turder Overflush
7. Let The Four Winds Blow by Farts Domino
8. Cum And Stay With Me by Marianne Facefull
9. Stool For The City by Loghat
10. Sick As A Brick by Jethro Up
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with
another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: All My Urine (Sung to the tune of All My Loving by The
Beatles)
Close your eyes and I'll drench you
You sick little wench you
Remember my aim will be true
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.
I'll pretend that I'm pissing
On lips I'm not kissing
You'll gargle my bodily brew
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.
All my urine I will send to you
All my urine with its golden hue.
Close your eyes and I'll drench you
You sick little wench you
Remember my aim will be true
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.
All my urine I will send to you
All my urine with its golden hue
All my urine
All my urine
All my urine I will send to you.
And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The
Paulie Family written by that ultimately undaunted and
ubiquitous ultraliberal of uncouth urine eulogies, Tracy
(Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here in the studio now are
none other than Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!
(Paul and Tracy enter the studio. Oddly enough, they’re not
yelling at each other today.)
Piston: Well Paul…
Paul: Hold it right there! I’ve changed my name!
(Even Tracy looks surprised at this news.)
Piston: You’re changing your name, but why?
Paul: ‘Cos I need a little more pizzazz in my life! So from
now on I want to be called Flash Satellite! What do you think
about that?
Piston: So will this be like a nickname then?
Paul: No, I still refuse to have a nickname. I’m just
changing my name to Flash Satellite, that’s all.
(Paul turns to Tracy.)
Paul: You’re the Attorney at Log; take care of the
paperwork!
Tracy: You do realize that everybody is going to call you
Flush instead of Flash, don’t you?
Paul: Whoooooooooaaa… Hold on a minute! Let’s make it
Dish Satellite instead!
Tracy: Dish Satellite, huh? Okay, I’ll get the paperwork
started…
Piston: Well then Flush… I mean Flash… I mean…
Paul: DISH!!! IT’S DISH SATELLITE, YOU IDIOT!!!
Tracy: I need to use the phone.
(Tracy grabs Piston’s phone and begins pushing
buttons.)
Piston: So uh, Dish… Wow, this is really hard to get use
to…
Paul: What’s so hard about it?
(Paul, I mean Dish, looks up at the ceiling and holds his
arms out, imagining his new name in lights.)
Paul: Dish Satellite… Aaaah I can see it now!
(Meanwhile Tracy is still on the phone.)
Tracy: Hello Dish?
Paul: What?
(Tracy turns to the artist formerly known as Paul.)
Tracy: Not you.
Paul: Then who are you talking to?
Tracy: My secretary, Dish.
(Tracy turns back to the phone.)
Tracy: Yeah Dish? I need you to prepare a Change of Name
Form.
Paul: Wait a minute, you never told me you had a
secretary!
Tracy: Hold on a second…
(Tracy turns back to Dish.)
Tracy: You never asked.
(Tracy turns back to the phone.)
Tracy: That’s right, a Change of Name Form for Paul. He’s
changing his name to Dish Satellite… What’s that?
That’s right, same as your name.
Paul: How come I don’t have a secretary?
(Tracy turns back to Dish.)
Tracy: Because nobody ever listens to you.
(Tracy turns back to the phone.)
Paul: What do you mean nobody ever listens to me?
(Tracy turns back to Dish.)
Tracy: What?
Paul: I SAID WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO
ME???!!!
(Tracy has already turned back to the phone and isn’t
listening to Dish.)
Paul: I SAID!!!... Wait a minute, your secretary’s name is
Dish Satellite?
(Tracy turns back to the artist soon to be known as Paul
again.)
Tracy: No, her name is Dish Towel.
Paul: NOPE!!! THAT’S IT!!! FORGET IT!!! NEVERMIND!!! CANCEL
THE WHOLE THING!!!
(Tracy turns to the phone again.)
Tracy: Yeah, Dish? Hold the Change of Name Form. I’ll get
back to you on that.
(Tracy hangs up the phone and turns to Paul.)
Tracy: Okay, what’s wrong with the name Dish?
Paul: I don’t want a woman’s name!
Tracy: Why not? I got stuck with a woman’s name.
Paul: Yeah, and look what it did to you!
Tracy: Lot’s of famous men have feminine names… Look at
Alice Pooper.
Paul: LOOK, I SAID FORGET IT… OKAY???!!!
(Meanwhile Piston, who’s been totally enthralled by the
conversation finally joins back into it.)
Piston: How ‘bout instead of Dish Satellite you call
yourself On Demand?
Tracy: Yeah, or maybe Basic Cable?
(Paul, seeing where the conversation is going decides to get
away while he still can.)
Paul: You guys always ruin everything for me… SCREW
YOU!!!
(Paul storms out of the studio.)
Piston: So Tracy, what about this Bermuda Triangle accusation
from the Mayor and Governor?
Tracy: That’s absurd; I’ve never even been to
Bermuda.
(Paul storms back into the studio.)
Paul: AND IF ANYBODY’S INTERESTED THE ONLY TRIANGLES I EVER
SAW IN BERMUDA WERE ON THE NUDE BEACH!!!
(Paul storms back out of the studio. Both Tracy and Piston
shudder at the though of Paul on a nude beach.)
Piston: Well then, I guess that settles that. So Tracy, what
about the fate of all those missing people inside the tour
bus?
Tracy: Well look at the bright side, those National Guardsmen
won’t get sent to Iraq now will they? So really they’re
all in a better place now.
Piston: You make it sound like they’re all dead.
Tracy: Well would you rather be dead in a bus or in the
middle of a desert?
(Piston ponders the question but can’t decide which is the
better place to die, so he decides to change the
subject.)
Piston: So what’s next for The Paulie Family?
(The phone rings. It’s Tim.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Tim: Hey, why isn’t band in Michigan yet?
Tracy: Why would we be in Michigan?
Tim: Don’t you remember? I got us a booking in Max
Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. It’s the
Woodcock Festival.
Tracy: When is it supposed to start?
Tim: Memorial Day weekend.
Tracy: But that’s over nine months away.
Tim: No, actually it was 12 weeks ago. The crowd is really
getting restless.
Tracy: You mean a crowd has been waiting for us in Michigan
for 12 weeks?
Tim: Yeah, they’re really dedicated fans.
Tracy: I just have one question.
Tim: What?
Tracy: WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING
SOONER???!!!
Tim: I left a memo about it on the bulletin board.
Tracy: What bulletin board?
Tim: The bulletin board above the wastepaper basket.
Tracy: What wastepaper basket?
Tim: The wastepaper basket that’s always full of all my
crumpled up memos because nobody reads them.
Tracy: Well you should write more interesting memos!
Tim: I have been writing more interesting memos; I left a
memo about it on the bulletin board.
(Tracy stops for a moment as he realizes that he’s just had
his own classic Memo Routine used on him, which is really odd
because Tim has never heard the classic Memo Routine. Rather
than dwell any futher on it Tracy decides to take
action.)
Tracy: Okay tell the crowd we’ll be there in a couple of
days.
Tim: But the concession stands are out of food, and the
Port-A-Potties are overflowing, and it’s starting to
rain.
Tracy: How many people are there?
Tim: Oh about 30 or 40.
Tracy: 30 or 40 thousand?
Tim: No, just 30 or 40. There were almost 50 but some people
got tired of waiting.
Tracy: Okay, well just tell them we’re on our way.
Tim: Well okay, but…
(Tracy hangs up on Tim.)
Piston: Wow, this certainly is an interesting
development!
Tracy: I’ll say, 30 or 40 people, that’s bigger than the
crowd that showed up at the opening of Cesspool 61.
(JD walks into the studio.)
JD: Hey, have you guys seen Flush?
Tracy: Well sort of.
JD: What do you mean?
Tracy: Well he was here but then he changed his name to
Dish.
JD: Isn’t that your secretary’s name?
Tracy: How do you know my secretary?
JD: Well I don’t really have anything to do as Flush’s
Spiritual Advisor so I just sort of shmooz around a lot.
(The phone rings. It’s Paul.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: FLASH YOU ASSHOLE, IT WAS FLASH!!!
JD: I thought you changed it to Dish.
Paul: NO!!! THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A WOMAN’S NAME!!!
JD: Maybe you could change it to Plate.
Tracy: Or Platter.
Piston: Or Saucer.
(Paul doesn’t say anything; he just hangs up.)
JD: Jeez, what’s bugging him?
Tracy: I don’t know but you’d better go find him. We have
a show to do.
JD: Really? When?
Tracy: 12 weeks ago.
(Tracy walks out of the studio followed by a very puzzled
JD.)
Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we
have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again
next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
The song All My Urine is dedicated to Goldie Showers and all
our fans at kidtomfoolery.com.